TheLogBlog

Found this article on MSN which was crying out to be featured in TheLog.Blog

Baby survives train toilet plunge A newborn baby delivered in a train lavatory has survived falling through the bottom of the carriage and on to the tracks below.

Then there are some other loo related snippets of interest including the following, three-quarters of Britons text, blog or surf the internet while on the toilet, a poll in August 2009 revealed.

Lou Rawls

A marvellous singer with a slightly unfortunate name depending on how you pronounce it.

You'll Never Find:
Another love like mine

or

Another blog like mine

(This is reproduced from my original Banana Waffles blog as it *fits* here perfectly. I may remove it from the other blog, once it has settled into its new home.)

Introduction.

Dr Theseus CodsWallop has spent many years perfecting his techniques. Now you too can take advantage of the CodsWallop Method.

Here are some comments from people who have used the CW Method successfully.

“I had no idea that for years I had been breathing totally incorrectly. Reading Dr Theseus CodsWallops book has totally transformed my life.” Mrs Renee Germoleanne Phelps, Huntingdon.

“Thanks to Dr CodsWallop I am now able to wipe my bottom effectively . Words cannot express the difference this has made to me and my family” Terrence Burns, Stockton-on-Tees

“I am now far richer than I could have imagined possible before reading CodsWallop. I recommend this book to everyone who wants to be sucessful” Major Key, Isle of Wight

“This book is worth every penny you can scrape together. I am so glad I read it” Reverend T Smythe-Farthingale, Llandrindod Wells

“Perfection is within your grasp. No longer need you worry about the correct way to live your life. Depend on CodsWallop and you can’t go far wrong” Onobra Valente, Cheam

How to Wipe your Bottom Effectively.

As with any other endeavour the most important factor to ensure success is preparation.

Firstly it cannot be emphasised enough that one will need to carry out this practice in a room specifically designed to accommodate such activities. There is a place for everything, and there was never a truer word spoken than in this case. One needs to be in close proximity to the area at which your activities have led to the need for the correct practice of bottom wiping and so it should be obvious that this indicates being close and preferably within the bathroom or water closet room.

Secondly before attempting the practical aspects of achieving this aim, one must first assemble the correct materials and equipment.

In deciding which materials to utilise in the project one needs to consider the desired end.

To state the matter bluntly dry, clean and sweet smelling are the fundamentals.

These days there are many materials to choose from, but they broadly fall into two categories; dry materials and wet materials. For the sake of precision I call both these categories the necessary Software.

Unless one intends to make use of implements and mechanical aids, there should be no need to touch upon Hardware in this chapter.

In most cases Hardware can be avoided if one loses a little weight and indulges in the occasional loosening up exercise. This should be sufficient for the average person to enable them to reach the required fitness and agility required for the task in hand.

Dry Software should fulfil the following criteria – it needs to be soft to the touch without being so fragile as to disintegrate in times of heavy usage.

The correct absorbency is also important. Materials such as sandpaper and plastic or metal wool should never be used even in emergencies as they do not have either correct texture nor the correct absorbent properties.

You may also wish to consider the aesthetic appeal of your choice with regard to a harmonious decorative effect within the bathroom or water closet area.

Dry Software is most readily found on the supermarket aisle marked ‘toilet paper’. By a method of trial and error you should be able to discover after a year or two which brand will be sufficient to your needs whilst remaining within your budgetary allowance.

The correct method of removing a suitable portion for use is shown in the diagram below.

It is a personal preference as to how many individual sections of paper will suffice. Again trial and error will provide you with your own optimum number. It can vary of course depending on the severity of the incident preceding the need to bottom wipe.

Wet Software may be found on the same aisle as the dry variety and it is often situated with other similar products known generically as ‘Wet Wipes’. The main distinguishing feature of the wet wipe intended for one lower regions is that they will be marked flushable. Most of the other wipes will be marked do not flush. It is obvious that this is a necessary requirement for the purpose intended.

Wet Software is already spearated into individual pieces of a somewhat more generous nature than that of the dry software.

Some persons prefer to use wet then dry, others dry then wet. It is the authors preference to use dry then wet then dry again for a satisfactorily clean and fresh outcome.

A flannel is never a suitable alternative for persons of sensitive upbringing.

Although it is not possible to carry out this procedure quickly and conveniently and also remain ecologically pristine, there are some ways to help minimise one’s damage to the environment.

1. The use of recycled toilet paper. Do not fear this is not previously used toilet paper (as I once foolishly assumed) it is simply toilet paper fabricated from paper ingredients recycled from other used paper. It is unfortunately often speckled rather worryingly and not a particularly pleasant experience. But better for your bottom than nothing.
2. Never use pink paper. Apparantly pink paper kills the fish when it eventually is processed and its dyes get into the rivers.
3. Have shower immediately after utilising the water closet. This enables a fairly slap dash approach with minimal use of materials as you can wash properly afterwards. This is only helpful if you manage to coincide your morning ablutions with your morning evacuation. If you shower every time you use the facilities the heavier use of water and cleaning chemicals and soaps etc will negate the benefit of saving paper.
4. In some more technological societies there are available – toilets which spray water and therefore cleanse the business end so to speak. I would find such a contraption extremely suspicious and would not be able to be certain that it was clean enough for the purpose. However there may be ways of ensuring this and if research can point to this as a hygienic method then the results will be included in newer editions of this publication.

The correct way to apply the software to the matter is to reach behind and in an upward motion, wipe. Almost as if swiping a credit card through a terminal. This must be repeated until the software can be wiped and found clean afterwards.

As previously mentioned this may be of difficulty for more portly individuals or those with mobility difficulties. In this case a sensible diet and exercise regime is indicated. See the chapter in this book – Successful weight loss the Codswallop way.

In the meantime another alternative method is to gain access by reaching between the legs. Always remember to avoid contaminating the genital area by wiping backwards and folding the paper afterwards before dropping it downwards into the receptacle beneath.

Dr Codswallop.

Where does the wind blow?

It called to me and I had to go.
One of those things - it just happens y'know?
Where does the wind blow
and why does it sing?
Where does the wind blow
and what will it bring?

We've heard it call a hundred times
can't make out the words but we know that it rhymes.
Where does the wind blow
and why does it sing?
Where does the wind blow
and what will it bring?

Float on the stream and out to the sea
It's calling to you and it's talking to me
Where does the wind blow
and what does it sing?
Where does the wind blow
and what will it bring?

copyright protected bla bla bla Yeah like you wanted it right?

edited on the 28th July 2009 to add the MP3 of me singing the song.